All posts in category Grief and loss

This Morning

So fellow travelers, when I woke up this morning , as on most mornings, the first thing I saw was a photo of our two daughters. 

 

However, unlike any other morning, this morning when I saw their beautiful faces I realized I was thankful they actually do not look more Asian.
And that breaks my heart. 

And then I thought I might not be able to finally set out on my cross-country road trip because while I will soon be fully vaccinated against one viral threat, there isn’t a vaccine which would protect an older Asian-American woman against the viral threat of racist hate.  And that fills my heart with rage.

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And then I thought I am actually grateful my soon-to-be 91 year old Mom, who like me was born in Japan, has been safely quarantined in my parents home for over a year. And that brought a flood of tears. 

So I took my dog out and finished crying those tears by my slowly thawing backyard pond. And rain began to fall, as if all of Heaven was crying with me.

And suddenly I was aware of  a sound I have not heard in about five months.

Robin’s morning song
Chorus of hope and healing
Even as we grieve

Time will tell if the leaders of this country have finally had enough of senseless violence. I know reached that cliff long ago and you can bet your chopsticks I’m not letting fear keep me home.

Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love, not fear, lead the way.

6 Comments
by sagemtnmom on March 18, 2021  •  Permalink
Posted in Family and relationships, Grief and loss, Poems and Haiku
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Posted by sagemtnmom on March 18, 2021

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2021/03/18/this-morning/

Sally’s Story

So fellow travelers, today I’m taking a break from my own“ memoirs of a pandemic year” to honor a very special team of women and one very lucky dog.

This is Sally. 

On March 8th, sweet Sally  succumbed to congestive heart failure. This is her story, shared with permission of all the amazing earth angels involved.

One year ago, on a cold February day, Sally’s Mom, Susan Popper, succumbed to liver cancer.

Our mutual friend Donna Nicosia, who was by her side in her last days, promised she would find a good home for Sally.

So, Sally traveled with Donna to a temporary foster home with Donna’s friend Bette, where she was cared for with gentle, loving kindness. Bette’s two other dogs kept her company while all the arrangements were made for Sally’s new life. A network of friends made plans and gathered resources to help Sally get to her new home, all the way across the country.  On March 11th, the same day the World Health Organization declared we were in a global pandemic, Donna kissed Sally farewell and bravely put her on a plane. Sally flew from the East to West coast and was met by her new mom, Kathy Cary.  Her journey and safe arrival was a brilliant ray of hope illuminating the darkness of the approaching storm about to upend everyone’s lives.

Sally spent her last year with one of the best dog moms I know and I know a lot of dog moms. She has been cherished with the kind of deep, unconditional love that comes from a heart that knows what it is like to feel lost and alone. Shy, sweet Sally was welcomed by Kathy’s own pack of pups who helped her open up; after all Sally had been through a lot of change in just one month. Kathy has said, Sally’s resilience was, in many ways, an inspiration through what would become a year of unimaginable disruption. Sally’s story from loss to hope and love was a reminder of the good that comes from genuine human connections. Her departure from our world created a wave of grief for the friends connected by her journey, yet I know we all found reason to celebrate knowing her Spirit surely found a joyful welcome.  For her and the friends who brought her home, twice, my own heart found these words.

 One heart says goodbye
As two are reunited
Blessed by friendship’s gift

~ Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love Light the way ~

Kathy Cary is an artist and member of a creative collective which was the original connecting point for all of us. Her inspirational work can be seen on Instagram @kathycary

2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on March 13, 2021  •  Permalink
Posted in Bedlam Farm Creative Group, Creative Tribe, Dog Tales, Grief and loss, Poems and Haiku, Sisterhood and friendships
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Posted by sagemtnmom on March 13, 2021

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2021/03/13/sallys-story/

Dreaming of Snow Geese

While we’ve flipped the calendar page from February to March, the ever fickle weather gods of CNY have decided to flip backwards from February to January making the first week of March monotonous, blustery and grey. Even our dog agrees it’s unpleasant for walking.

Worse still, I imagine any spring migrants are feeling pretty discouraged about their decision to show up early; single digit wind chills and blinding bands of lake effect snow are terrible conditions for being a bird or a birdwatcher!

 However, looking back one year ago to the beginning of what would become the last week of the life we knew, there is a different scenario.

A year ago, after traveling to Dallas for a business conference, my husband was visiting with our kids in Portland, Oregon. At that time the number of reported Covid19 cases in the US could be counted on one hand.  The crisis unfolded quickly during the weeks he was away; I was still working at our high school, spending my mornings in classes with my assigned students and my afternoons with one of those students at a career training program.  I was actually enjoying the solitary time at home. I made a respectable dent in the clutter which has accumulated over 30 years of living and raising a family in our big house. I had complete freedom to take long hikes with our dog, to eat whatever and whenever I preferred and, best of all, to head out on spontaneous birding quests. Which is how a wondrous experience with a massive migration of snow geese transpired.

Watching the video again, it feels like something that happened in a dream from a life someone else lived a very long time ago. Only  it’s not.  It remains an inspiring experience of genuine awe, one of those miraculous moments when time stands still. I click <replay> and the confusion, frustration, fear and grief of being separated from my family while living through a mismanaged pandemic, evaporates. For a few minutes, the feeling of that moment returns. It is a sensation of being connected to a transcendent energy I cannot adequately describe but somehow recognize deep in my soul. One year may have passed but the memory reminds me of the possibilities for adventure yet to be lived in the year yet to come. And right on cue, an email from the Montezuma Audubon center brings news the snow geese have started to return.

~ Walk gently on the path my friends and may adventure find you ready ~

The video I captured on my phone can be viewed here https://youtu.be/1fhBgofT9OM

3 Comments
by sagemtnmom on March 9, 2021  •  Permalink
Posted in Birdacious tales, Gratitude, Grief and loss, Nature, The quest for Inner Peace, Zen Moments
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Posted by sagemtnmom on March 9, 2021

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2021/03/09/dreaming-of-snow-geese/

Gentle Blossom

So fellow travelers, yesterday brought a gathering of cousins and another farewell. My husband’s aunt passed from this life peacefully, a week ago today.

Aunt Mary was the oldest and, at 102, also the last surviving of her seven siblings. She always insisted she would live to be 100 and like anything she set her mind to she succeeded beyond expectations.

(Photo: celebrating Mary’s 100th birthday November 2018)
She had no children of her own, so her nieces and nephews became her support system as she aged. Fiercely independent, she held onto her life at home as long as possible and when she moved to into long term care, my husband and his cousins continued to provide additional support and visit when possible. Last spring, Covid19 protocols changed “when possible”  to “not possible.” While our deepest regret is not seeing Mary before she died, it is reassuring to know she received the best of care right through to her last days. She died peacefully of natural causes.
Yesterday morning, I rose early to feed and walk our dog before we headed into the city for her memorial. Sunrise painted the winter sky with brilliant colors of pink and rose. I thought about a plant we brought home from her house ten years ago. The day after we received the news of Mary’s death, it bloomed for the first time in several years. From those two moments, came this haiku in her honor. 

Winter sunrise glows
Sacred flower gently blooms
One soul rises free

(photo: Mary’s Christmas cactus (schlumbergera truncata) Monday Jan 4th)

I am grateful my husband and I were able to gather safely with ten of his fourteen living cousins, many of whom we have not seen in several years.  The Russian orthodox service was beautiful and, even through his mask, the young priest singing the liturgy invoked a beautiful, compassionate angelic presence. I have no doubt Aunt Mary’s soul carries all our love and respect as she continues her journey home. 

Mary Lyboult (neé  Dominica “Minne” Rahalski) November 23, 1918- January 3, 2021

Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love Light the way

3 Comments
by sagemtnmom on January 10, 2021  •  Permalink
Posted in Family and relationships, Grief and loss, Photography, Poems and Haiku
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Posted by sagemtnmom on January 10, 2021

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2021/01/10/gentle-blossom/

So Long 2020 and “thanks for all the fish*…”

So fellow travelers, today there will be a pervasive narrative of “Goodbye and good riddance to 2020.”

 

Before we take that on as our story know this:
Yes, I too will move forward from 2020 with tremendous relief because, make no mistake my friends, the past year was just the beginning. This first year of the new decade set in motion seismic shifts in human consciousness which are creating much needed changes across every system in society, all across the globe.
As with all significant change, there will be pushback from the status quo and attempts to distract us from the potential of greater good. Do not be drawn in. Change is inevitable, focus determines its trajectory. Our energy is too valuable to waste on senseless conflict and our focus must not be co-opted. Be mindful of what holds your attention.

With all its chaos, suffering and loss, 2020’s true gift has been revelation. We cannot heal what we do not acknowledge. Now, ignorance is no longer a viable excuse.  We either accept the intolerable or we help each other up off the ground and walk through this portal into a new year with mindful intent to not only embrace change but to consciously participate in creating it.

Walk gently on the path and let Love light the way. See you all in 2021.

Editorial Note: * The quote in the title references Book 4 of Douglas Adams’ The Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe. Its a strange and humorous series which makes complete sense after experiencing 2020.

2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on December 31, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Gratitude, Grief and loss, Making a difference, Photography, Seasons, Social activism, The quest for Inner Peace, Uncategorized
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Posted by sagemtnmom on December 31, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/12/31/so-long-2020-and-thanks-for-all-the-fish/

In Search of Magic

So fellow travelers, rising well before dawn to greet the Solstice, a glance out the window in my meditation space revealed this gift

a moment which provided the last key to finding what seemed lost.

Tis now a season
made strange and unfamiliar
by required distancing
in full contradiction with
the inherent nature of the day
when gathering together to celebrate
the gift of Love made manifest on Earth 
is everything
indeed the only thing
on your list this year
and the one wish which will remain
not granted
So you search long and hard
far and wide
past and present
for that  “magic of the season “
and just as doubt weighs heaviest
The glow of snowkissed lights
 clear tones of a favorite song
sweet cinnamon cookies and tea
fragrant wafts of balsam
and just now
a gentle Angel’s kiss at dawn
There at last you find it
right where it was hidden all along
Peace
Love
Joy 
Magic is indeed alive and well
deep in your heart

Walk gently on the path my friends and blessings of the Season to you all.

2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on December 21, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Family and relationships, Gratitude, Grief and loss, Meditation & Spiritual Growth, Poems and Haiku, Seasons, The quest for Inner Peace
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Posted by sagemtnmom on December 21, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/12/21/in-search-of-magic/

The Decision

So fellow travelers, it is Thanksgiving Day here in the US, a holiday I enjoy even more than Christmas ,

and I have always loved Christmas!

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Even the few times when I was alone or grieving a great loss , Christmas Day always becomes* magical to me. Still to me Thanksgiving is a celebration of the two things in life I treasure even more than the magic of Christmas: family and food.

This year, with the increasing momentum of the COVID19 pandemic’s second wave, staying home became the only responsible choice for me. It took a long, strenuous hike to work through the emotions that hit me the day I cancelled my flight to Portland to spend Thanksgiving with our kids. We won’t even be traveling to see family in cities close by. Decisions my husband and I reached out of simple, genuine concern for the well being of others, more than for ourselves. Decisions we had to make because of another, perhaps more dangerous, outbreak plaguing our country- a viral lack of concern for the impact our choices have on each other.  Decisions which it’s clear even more people will have to make for the December holiday season. So waking this morning with a deep need to shift that mindset of loss, I sat in meditation at sunrise.  The comfort I sought came as these words

In this moment here
reach for hope find peace and joy
now and yet to come

One small ray of Light banishes darkness. Nothing outside ourselves has the power to stop us of from the decision to be that Light.

Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love Light the way

*PS~ The “becoming” part of Christmas Day’s magic is a post unto itself. Those thoughts are simmering with the traditional Turkey Soup yet to come.

2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on November 26, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Family and relationships, Gratitude, Grief and loss, Meditation & Spiritual Growth, Poems and Haiku
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Posted by sagemtnmom on November 26, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/11/26/the-decision/

Guest Post: Poem: Number 225,017

Every day the numbers are posted. And every one of those numbers has a story, a face, a soul , and regardless of years, a life sacrificed too soon.

Here is one from Tom Atkins.

https://quarryhouse.blog/2020/10/25/poem-number-225017/#like-34618

Poem: Number 225,017
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by sagemtnmom on October 26, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Family and relationships, Grief and loss, Guest Posts, Poems and Haiku, Uncategorized
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Posted by sagemtnmom on October 26, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/10/26/guest-post-poem-number-225017/

A Line in the Sand

So fellow travelers, RaVan2.o’s maiden voyage was a glorious success and musings on our explorations at Acadia National Park will follow soon.


That’s a promise made as much to myself as to you all, a binding intention to hold a focus of forward momentum, because right now I want nothing more than to hunker down in a blanket fort for the next four weeks.

The outrage is beyond exhausting
the frustration feels unresolvable
the apprehension becomes immobilizing
so you let the gravity of grief pull you down
and you sit in silence 
all tears long since spent
you sit with the emotions
because there is no where to go
where the anguish is not
and in the stillness of staying with
comes acknowledgement of what is
of what perhaps has always been
and finally given permission to exist
resistance relinquishes
you breathe
as if pushed up for air
just before drowning
a breath of commitment like your first
unclenching your fists
you rise, draw a deep long line in the sand
turn your face to the sun and walk away
never once looking back.

I’ll be back with the wonders of the Acadian Expedition just as soon as I get that blanket fort set-up.

Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love Light the way


2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on October 6, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Grief and loss, Mental health, Photography, Poems and Haiku, Social activism, travel adventures
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Posted by sagemtnmom on October 6, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/10/06/a-line-in-the-sand/

The Silver Lining

So fellow travelers, as I referenced in the last post, September became  an emotionally intense time.

Zen dog meditation buddy

Honestly, as odd as it may sound, I think the demise of my little Blue Rav4 “camper” brought to the surface all the grief embedded in these months of quarantine. This was not just about losing a vehicle. This loss set in motion a continuous chain of what I first perceived as losses. From our early morning drive down to a favorite lakeside trail where Delilah could conduct squirrel patrol while I watched for early fall migrants, to cancellations for several camping trips to catch early fall colors. Ironically, my husband’s old car was also sitting dead in the driveway, so I found myself grounded while I searched for another vehicle.  And as that search evolved it became clear the better options would require an investment which would postpone my plan to buy a camper van, because now I had an immediate need for another vehicle.
Why not buy the bigger van now? Because that’s not a vehicle I would want to drive through our snow bound, corrosive road salted winters. And it seems likely I will remain here this winter, thanks to the pandemic pushing my cross country road trip out into next year.
Once I got my head out of the initial wave of frustration and disappointment, I began yet once again to re-set my future plans ( yes, I’m an eternal optimist, I actually do believe there is a future worth planning for.) Moving the camper van build project further out on the timeline, opened up different possibilities and after a lot of research, number crunching and visits to local dealerships the right vehicle presented itself-

Farewell Little 02Blue

Welcome  Rav “2.0”

-just in time for a trial run up to the one National Park located here in the Northeastern US. Stay tuned….Photos and adventures to follow…

Walk gently on the path my friends and let Love Light the way

2 Comments
by sagemtnmom on September 27, 2020  •  Permalink
Posted in Grief and loss, The quest for Inner Peace, travel adventures

Posted by sagemtnmom on September 27, 2020

https://dhrahalski86.wordpress.com/2020/09/27/the-silver-lining/

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